Jokes

[grimreaper]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
(You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)


The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[grimreaper]

Apple does it again



__

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer

chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast

implants.

The iTit will cost between £299.00 and £499.00 depending on

speaker size.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have

always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening

to them.

[grimreaper]

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do
it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2
years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca
and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!


Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue . He sees a
building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor
windows. He shouts up , - I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, an Irish rugby
player, jump and I'll catch ya.- A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a
guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him
hit the concrete, then shouts up. - Come on now folks, there's no point
throwing down the burnt ones!!



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and
say we only found two."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[grimreaper]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. "
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo
www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[grimreaper]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation " And what can you learn from this demonstration? "

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just LOVE little old ladies...

[grimreaper]

Tony Blair was on an official visit to an elementary school one day and was shown in to one of the classrooms.. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings..
The teacher asked Mr. Blair if he would like to lead the class for an example of the word "tragedy".. So Mr. Blair then asks the class if anyone can give an example of a tragedy"..
One little boy stands up and says "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy"...
"No", says Mr. Blair, "that would be an ACCIDENT"..
A little girl raises her hand and says "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy"..
"I'm afraid not" says Mr. Blair.. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS"...
Finally a little voice at the back of the room pipes up and says "If you and Mrs. Blair were on an aeroplane jetting off on one of your many freebie holidays and a terrorist like Osama bin Laden fired a rocket launcher at you and blew you all to smithereens, that would be a tragedy"...
"Fantastic" says Mr. Blair, "that's right".. "Now, can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY.?"
"Well" says the little voice, it's because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be no great loss" ....!!!!!!!!!!!.

[grimreaper]

Old Pilots



You think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are,

then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!





An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's,

Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict,

taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'



She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.

When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV,

I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot

and asked: "are you a real pilot?"



He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[grimreaper]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his fukking ass." ;D

[grimreaper]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the kerb.

'No, five pounds!' he'd fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between them became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and fifty pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As they neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid her eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then from her corner the hooker yelled:
'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

[Shadow]

Grim-thank you for giving me a laugh every time I come on here

Some great ones and as soon as Ive got the kids back to school Im gonna try and make you laugh too

[Shadow]

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

[geordie]

if a quiz is quizicle whats a test?

[Shadow]

Couple more letters to councils


Genuine Council Complaints
extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.


I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

[grimreaper]

The parable is worth sharing…. But have you ever seen a baby porcupine?! I would pass it along just for this!










Fable of the porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive. Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.





The real moral of the story......LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE. ;D ;D

[Deleted]

A policeman spotted a car doing 22mph he pulled the car over and the woman driver got out, and he explain it was as dangerous going so slow.
"But officer 22mph is the speed limit, I saw the sign A22"
The officer look in the car and noticed the four passengers were looking ashen and shocked "Are you OK" Said the policeman "Not really we've just come off the A140"size]