Jokes

[Ann1]

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

[Jazz]

My butcher has started selling venison.
How much is it I asked him.
£5 a pound he says.
Thats dear I said.
Yes it is he replied.
Boom, Boom!

[Ann1]

Alf is alive and kicking

[Roma]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!' He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................





You'll like this








NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
;D

[Roma]

The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

[Ann1]

I copied this from Sgt Pepper on the EG forum, I thought it was hilarious ;D

From the BBC archives - Read by John Cleese.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "****** Off" to "Let's get the ********." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of
the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels inFrance are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alertlevel from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand,
are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited
to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the
old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey,!" "I think we'll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Roma]

He's put some corkers on there

[Shadow]

Liked those alot

[Shadow]

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

[Jazz]

.....and whats that one about what little boys (men) are made of....."snots & snails & puppy dog's tails" or something like that....can't remember the whole thing but little girls (women) came out of it smelling of roses......!!

[Roma]

Is this the one jazz ;D




What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

[Roma]

Shadow

[Roma]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came
to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Roma]

Miriam and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Miriam "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.




Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.



Let me tell you, Miriam, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.



Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Miriam: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.

[Ann1]