Jokes

[Shadow]

The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams (16 year olds):

GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION

Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

[Fairscup]

Brilliant Shads

[Deleted]

If those answers were all supplied by the same person we may have discovered this country's next great comedy writing talent.

Either that or the education system is still in need of help!

CWL

[Roma]

Great ones Shadow ;D ;D

[Shadow]

Years back I had a Chemistry teacher that used to write"howlers" down then read them out to us-we were all petrified of supplying him with material

My best friend came close when she described a rats voice breaking as it reached maturity in Biology "A" level

Some of his examples were hilarious and that was thirty years ago now-often wondered if he ever got round to writing the book he said he wanted to do on the subject.

[Jazz]

God, these are great...and some are so inventive I would give them top marks for originality! ;D

[Shadow]

An unsatisfied member of the public

1.. THE COMPLAINT
Dear Sir/madam/ automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this email with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant, Mr X
2.. THE REPLY
Dear Mr X,
I have read your email and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address/telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards, PC Y Community Beat Officer
3.. THE REACTION
Dear PC Y
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own communitybeat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with achin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these you should feel free to contact me. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards Mr X
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

[Roma]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[Roma]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.







She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

[Deleted]

Great joke Roma , works better on a mobile though.

CWL

[Roma]

Gordon Brown called Alistair Darling into his office one day & said,
'Alistair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England ..'

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.'

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour
coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then
we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much
Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
........ Oh & remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling.

So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off from London . Eventually they arrived at just the
place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the
dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood
please' said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about
how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &
walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later in came a wizened farmer who followed the same
procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages &
gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over. 'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes!!

[magpie4ever99]

Good one Roma

[Roma]

Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The

Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!














Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday..

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

[Shadow]

Wonderful

maxpwnage.wordpress.com/tag/weird-signs/

[Roma]

They're good ones. ;D ;D