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Jokes
Jan 19, 2011 10:27:38 GMT 1
Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2011 10:27:38 GMT 1
On there wedding night, the husband said "Now we are married I'd like to try something different, is that OK with you?"
"Depends what it is" She said
"It's the wheelbarrow position" He said "Get on the floor stiffen up your arms I'll come behind you pick up you legs and away we go"
"That sound OK" She said "As long as we don't go past my mothers house"
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Jokes
Jan 20, 2011 11:05:00 GMT 1
Post by wilee on Jan 20, 2011 11:05:00 GMT 1
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
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Jokes
Jan 20, 2011 12:27:59 GMT 1
Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2011 12:27:59 GMT 1
A white horse went into a bar and ordered a whisky.
The barman said "Did you know there's a brand of whisky named after you"
"No I didn't" Said the horse "In that case I'll have a double Eric please"
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Jokes
Jan 20, 2011 15:26:27 GMT 1
Post by Pollypeterborough on Jan 20, 2011 15:26:27 GMT 1
Miriam and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking. Miriam "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Miriam, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Miriam: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.  |
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Jokes
Jan 21, 2011 14:03:10 GMT 1
Post by wilee on Jan 21, 2011 14:03:10 GMT 1
Daughter: Hey mum i'm going to my room with my boyfriend.
Mum: Okay don't do anything stupid.
*.Gf & Bf go into bedroom.*
Daughter screams: Baby, baby, baby ohh!
*.Mum runs into her room.*
Mum: What are you doing!?!?!?!?
Daughter: Mum were having sex, get out!
Mum: Oh thank god for that, i thought you were listening to Justin Bieber!
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Jokes
Jan 21, 2011 14:23:54 GMT 1
Post by Ann1 on Jan 21, 2011 14:23:54 GMT 1
I'm afraid that one passed me by Wile  I had to Google Justin Beiber!!!! ;D
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Jokes
Jan 21, 2011 14:29:00 GMT 1
Post by Fairscup on Jan 21, 2011 14:29:00 GMT 1
Likewise  |
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Jokes
Jan 21, 2011 14:34:18 GMT 1
Post by Nattfare on Jan 21, 2011 14:34:18 GMT 1
I'm afraid that one passed me by Wile I had to Google Justin Beiber!!!! ;D You can't read any forum without reading that name nowdays.  |
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Jokes
Jan 26, 2011 14:49:06 GMT 1
Post by Roma on Jan 26, 2011 14:49:06 GMT 1
SATAN GOES TO CHURCH
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking when suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute, "returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound,horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2011 20:27:36 GMT 1
Post by Shadow on Jan 28, 2011 20:27:36 GMT 1
bloke goes to Superdrug for some KY gel there's none.. the assistant said "have u tried Boots" he said i want to slide in ..not march in!!"
why is a christmas tree better than a man??? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2011 21:28:45 GMT 1
Post by Pollypeterborough on Jan 28, 2011 21:28:45 GMT 1
bloke goes to Superdrug for some KY gel there's none.. the assistant said "have u tried Boots" he said i want to slide in ..not march in!!" why is a christmas tree better than a man??? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!!!   |
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2011 22:27:43 GMT 1
Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2011 22:27:43 GMT 1
A woman was leaving a local supermarket having done her morning shop when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby church. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." CWL  |
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2011 21:21:49 GMT 1
Post by Roma on Feb 7, 2011 21:21:49 GMT 1
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'
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Jokes
Feb 7, 2011 21:59:32 GMT 1
Post by Fairscup on Feb 7, 2011 21:59:32 GMT 1
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Jokes
Feb 8, 2011 11:37:51 GMT 1
Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2011 11:37:51 GMT 1
At the start of the service the vicar announced
"Mr Greenhill the organist has ran away with the church treasurer Mrs smith and taken all the church money"
"We will sing hymn number 197 There is a Greenhill far away"
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I've seen Newcastle United win silverware!
