Jokes

[Fairscup]

A middle aged man entered the motor way in his new BMW Z4 convertible.
After a short distance he accelaerated to 80mph and allowed the wind to blow in the little remaining hair he had.
This is fantastic, he thought and accelerated even more.
Glancing in the wing mirror he noticed a police car with blue lights flashing. I can lose him anytime, thought our hero, and pressed the pedal even further to the floor. 90, 100, 110 onwards to 120mph.
Then he realized the foolisness of his ways and thought to himself , I'm too old for this sort of idiocy. He pulled over on to the hard shoulder and waited for the police car to pull up.

The policecar parked behind the BMW and a policeman walked slowly towards the speed merchant. He looked at his watch and said, My shift finishes in 10 minutes, it's Friday afternoon and I'm off all weekend. If you can give me a good explanation as to why you were driving so fast, and I haven't heard it before, there will be no fine for you and you can keep your license.

The middle aged man looked seriously at the policeman and said. Many years ago my wife left me for a policeman and I was afraid it was him coming to give her back.

Drive on! said the policeman and returned to his car.

[Pollypeterborough]

Feb 8, 2011 14:13:36 GMT 1 Fairscup said:

A middle aged man entered the motor way in his new BMW Z4 convertible.
After a short distance he accelaerated to 80mph and allowed the wind to blow in the little remaining hair he had.
This is fantastic, he thought and accelerated even more.
Glancing in the wing mirror he noticed a police car with blue lights flashing. I can lose him anytime, thought our hero, and pressed the pedal even further to the floor. 90, 100, 110 onwards to 120mph.
Then he realized the foolisness of his ways and thought to himself , I'm too old for this sort of idiocy. He pulled over on to the hard shoulder and waited for the police car to pull up.

The policecar parked behind the BMW and a policeman walked slowly towards the speed merchant. He looked at his watch and said, My shift finishes in 10 minutes, it's Friday afternoon and I'm off all weekend. If you can give me a good explanation as to why you were driving so fast, and I haven't heard it before, there will be no fine for you and you can keep your license.

The middle aged man looked seriously at the policeman and said. Many years ago my wife left me for a policeman and I was afraid it was him coming to give her back.

Drive on! said the policeman and returned to his car.

[Deleted]

A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons bedroom out and found a fetish magazine under his bed.
In a panic she phoned her husband at work and asked him who sort of punishment she should give the boy.

"Not sure" He said "But what ever you do, DON'T SPANK HIM"

[magpie4ever99]

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[Roma]

Could be painful

[magpie4ever99]

Feb 9, 2011 23:56:03 GMT 1 Roma said:

Could be painful #Emoticonlaughing#

That's one my all time fav jokes. I laugh at it everytime. By the way Roma you have put some good ones on here #happy0144#

[Roma]

I can never remember jokes so I save them they come in handy sometimes ;D

[magpie4ever99]

Feb 10, 2011 0:01:54 GMT 1 Roma said:

I can never remember jokes so I save them they come in handy sometimes ;D

Good idea. I'll do the same

[Roma]

A pharmacist walked into his shop and saw a man standing against the wall.
He said to his assistant whats up with that guy.
His assistant said he came in with a cough.
I could'nt find any cough syrup,
So I gave him a packet of laxatives.
You stupid bugger the pharmacist said,
You can't treat a cough with laxatives.
Course yer can said the assistant.
Look at him he's scared stiff to cough now

[magpie4ever99]

Feb 10, 2011 0:25:00 GMT 1 Roma said:

A pharmacist walked into his shop and saw a man standing against the wall.
He said to his assistant whats up with that guy.
His assistant said he came in with a cough.
I could'nt find any cough syrup,
So I gave him a packet of laxatives.
You stupid bugger the pharmacist said,
You can't treat a cough with laxatives.
Course yer can said the assistant.
Look at him he's scared stiff to cough now

LMAO

[Roma]

Our Four Legged Friends

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

[Shadow]

Loved it roma-that first section had me in stitches-and the ring of truth made it that much funnier

[Roma]

For all you cat lovers

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[Jazz]

This is exactly right, roma, what a performance we have with our two...they can be so clever...sometimes days afterwards we'll find the little white pill in the most unlikely place! ;D ;D ;D

[Roma]

Give me a dog anyday to give a pill to ;D ;D