Jokes

[Fairscup]

A primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a Sunderland fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Sunderland fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Sunderland fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a Sunderland fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Newcastle fan and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell, why are you a Newcastle fan?"
"Because my mum is a Newcastle fan, and my dad is a Newcastle fan, so I'm a Newcastle fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone,
"That is no reason for you to be a Newcastle fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Sunderland fan."

[Deleted]

Vagina's are like water parks:- Expensive to get into but wet and lots of fun!!!

[Deleted]

A young man sat next to an attractive Nun on the bus.
After a while he asked her if he would like to have sex with him.

"No sorry" She said "I'm married to God" And got off the bus.

When the young man was getting off the bus the driver said "I heard what happened I know how you can have sex with her"

"Every Tuesday at midnight she goes to the cemetery to pray for the dead" Said the driver "Why don't you dress up in a cape and hood and pretend to be God"

So that Tuesday night the young man dressed up in a long cape and with a hood and went to the cemetery, and sure enough the Nun was there.

He shouted "I am God and I want sex with you"

The Nun said "Of course you can, but can we just have anal sex as I want to preserve my virginity"

So he agreed and after he'd finished said "Haha fooled you I'm the young man on the bus"

The Nun said "Haha fooled you I'm the bus driver"

[Shadow]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Jazz]

What do you call someone without a body or a nose?
NOBODY KNOWS!

Tell it to your kids/grandkids....the younger the better! ;D

[Jazz]

I went for a walk in the cemetery earlier today when I saw a man crouching by a gravestone.
"Morning" I said to him.
"No" he replied......"just having a cr*p". ;D

[Fairscup]

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on."
On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

[Blue Star Broon]

I gaze at the brilliant full moon.
The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle,
and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.
I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die
and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to
Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.
I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic
elements and I show him a periodic table.
Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.
They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

[Shadow]

‎***** BOOBS vs. WILLIES *****
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- DEAD FROM THE ROOT UP and THE BALLS ARE JUST FOR DECORATION!

[Deleted]

There was a young boy crying in the street this morning "What's the matter" I said.

He cried "I can't spell Armageddon"

I told him "That's OK, it's not the end of the world"

[Shadow]

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[Ann1]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yeasterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the governments' "Workfare" scheme and employ Scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent , yet bold, move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the first practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McClaren Team for 4 bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty of Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Blue Star Broon]

Jun 16, 2012 14:20:39 GMT 1 Ann1 said:

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yeasterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the governments' "Workfare" scheme and employ Scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent , yet bold, move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the first practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McClaren Team for 4 bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty of Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Blue Star Broon]

Geordie was taking a stroll on the beach one day and he came upon a bottle washed ashore. He picked it up, pulled oot the cork and a with a puff of smoke a genie appeared. "oh saints be praised Geordie, I've been stuck in there fer a hundred years and fer releasing me I can grant yer one wish of anything yer chose", said the genie. Geordie thought fer a bit and said, "yer know I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I've got relatives there I'd like to visit. Could ya build me a bridge so I could drive over whenever I felt the urge"? The genie thought for a moment and said, "Geordie I'm not too keen on building stoof, a lot of hard labor and all that. Can yer think of something else that doesn't require so much work"? Geordie thought a bit said, "I'm wondering if you could explain the ways of women. What makes em happy, what makes em sad. I just don't seem to understand the way their minds work". The genie fussed and growled and truly seem perplexed. Finally he replied," Geordie, that bridge......one lane er two"?

[Deleted]

I wonder what the tog rating of this duvet???

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