Jokes

[Shadow]

Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had the same dream too!". Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Is Obama the first guy in the world to have to convince people he did do a killing?

'Jane' was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!' 'Honey! Let me explain!'

'Why you sneaky bastard!' she screamed. 'You impotent SOB!!'

'Wait a minute! Speaking of sneaky!' he interrupted, 'Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!

[grimreaper]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started .......

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started .......

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ........

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ......

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started ......

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .......

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started .........

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started ......

**************************************************************************
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started

[grimreaper]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by
sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out . They said they were delicious!

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its
stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and
then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that,
what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my
beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot."

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints
of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

[grimreaper]

A new book out this week called "How To Understand Women"..

[grimreaper]

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :
'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)


Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[grimreaper]

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TOP THIS

THE ORIGINAL SIN

[Pollypeterborough]

May 12, 2011 21:05:19 GMT 1 grimreaper said:

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TOP THIS

THE ORIGINAL SIN

PMSL.

[Shadow]

[Deleted]

Two Asians were arrested in Fenwicks for asking is there a-summer-bed-linen sale.

[grimreaper]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

............................
The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
.................................
Tenerife.....I won't beheading there in a hurry.
...........................
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."But she did.
..............................
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives .

They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.


3.Men are like Weather .
Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .
You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores ...
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8.Men are like .... Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like ... Mascara .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10.Men are like Popcorn .
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

...........................

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

.......................

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."


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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."


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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."


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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."


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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."


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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."


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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."


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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


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Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[grimreaper]

It makes you proud to be British!!

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.



You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:













"Defrost the fukkin chicken."

[grimreaper]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ...





Wait for it ... .....





It's coming ...... ....




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said ... ....:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[grimreaper]

Hey guys you are really gonna love this one.
.......................
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m.and is asked where he is
going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“My wife.”

[grimreaper]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway west of Lossiemouth.As time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.The traffic got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.




So this particular day Farmer John called the local police station and to complain, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."




"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Main Road ’s Workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:



SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING




Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school Crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ And they put up a new sign:




SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY




That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he said to the policeman

"Your signs are doing no Good. Can I put up my own sign?"


The policeman said,

"Sure thing, put up your own sign.."


He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything
In order to get him off his back.





The cop got no more calls from Farmer John.


Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the copper
And he decided to give Farmer John a call.

“ How’s the
Problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"


"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
Has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy.."


He hung up the phone.


The policeman was really curious now and he thought to himself,


"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
Be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."






So he drove out to John's farm house,

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.




It was spray painted on a sheet of plywood....


NUDIST COLONY Slowdown and watch out for chicks!

[grimreaper]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.