Jokes

[Shadow]

Just selecting the next batch Grim

[Shadow]

Ok-here we go



A Scouser, a Geordie and a Mackem were in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled
crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of very
good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday
today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
whipping."

The Scouser was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about
this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was
done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. He
had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was
done.

The Mackem was next up (he almost finished an entire bottle by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again, sending the Mackem out crying like a little girl.

The Geordie was the last one up (he had finished off the crate, and was
most certainly responsible for getting the whiskey into the country in the
first place), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and
said: "You support the greatest team in the world, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your Royal Highness," the Geordie replies. "In recognition of
your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh says with an admiring look. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Tie the Mackem to my back."


Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan.
Drops his pants gets his willy out & the lass says "By thats a gud un!"
He says "Whats a gud un?"
She replys "It means a big one!"
She drops her knickers & he says "By thats a canny un!"
she says "Whats a canny un?"
He replys "A f*****g big valley that cowboys ride through!!"

[Jazz]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D.....nice ones, Shads!

[grimreaper]

I know we have all heard most of the blonde jokes around but now and again one or two still make us laugh.
Have a look see.

DISNEYLAND




Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.









FLORIDA OR MOON



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'








CAR TROUBLE






A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'




SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'




RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'




KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'




BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'




IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'




FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[Shadow]

Some good 'uns there grim

St.Peter hears a knock and on answering is confronted by twelve Scousers asking for entry.

Bit worried by such a big group arriving he goes off to check with God that its ok to let em in.

God gives the say so, so off he goes to let em in.

Next thing hes hearing Peter shout "Theyve Gone!!!"

Amazed God responds"What-all of them?"

"No" says Peter "The f*****g Pearly gates"

[grimreaper]

Someone just posted me this one.
Certainly brought back a lot of memories and made me smile.

I Owe My Mother ....
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

[grimreaper]

DO You Fart in Bed?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.


THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.


HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

[grimreaper]

Should children witness childbirth?
....................................

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her
mummy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place....
smack his arse again!"

[Shadow]

Loved 'em all Grim

And blimey didnt the stopping the car one hit home

Must say that on a bloody weekly basis

We wont mention the farting bloke one-Ive got three of the buggers indoors

[grimreaper]

More child logic and its Little Johnny again.


Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!


A very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny:

Because I've already got a f-----g cat at home !!!

[Shadow]

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'

'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied.

'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.'

[grimreaper]

;D ;D ;D good one Shadow.
........................
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems – they imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me down, I know this face but I can’t put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft idiot, it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[Shadow]

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What do a c*****s, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?

You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What's the difference between a bar and a c*****s?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?

They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?

Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.


Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can remember them.

And guys remember-its all tongue in cheek

[grimreaper]

The Longest Password


During a recent password audit, it was found that an Essex girl
was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.


...................
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!





Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.





NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.







SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.









THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.








YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --

[Deleted]

All my life I'm felt like a tampon.............in the best possible place at the worst possible time.