Jokes

[Shadow]

Absolutely brilliant

Lol-Ive had a canny few conversations like those with the tech guys at Virgin

[Deleted]

I have sat in on service calls with members of my former team..........so although these may appear at the extreme end of things you would actually be surprised how many normally intelligent people turn into idiots when sat behind a computer keyboard!

Unsurprisingly many of those that are the worst are most often leading at the top! Also whatever you do don't get me started on Blackberry devices or PDA's!

Busy looking for my favourite Service Desk clip among those on You Tube.

CWL

[grimreaper]

You may have heard this one someone just posted it me thought of you lot straight away.. ;D ;D ;D

.................
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GEORDIE LASS





Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Newcastle. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. By the weekend his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he tries to pee.

[patsie]

Gotta love it PS - what's a dishwasher?

[Shadow]

Lol-thats a Geordie bloke Patsie

Only kidding lads

[grimreaper]

[Shadow]

Yep-seen that technique many times grim

[grimreaper]

I have it on good authority that our beloved Prime Minister, will soon announce yet another new tax. It will be called "The Aspirin Tax".






It will be a tax of 40% at the point of sale of ALL Aspirin.




















"Why this new tax on Aspirin?", you may well ask - the answer is SO simple...........................
































It's WHITE and it WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grimreaper]

CONFUCIUS SAY. . .


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.


Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.


Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.


Man who eats many prunes, get good run for money.


War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house, should change clothes in basement.


Man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs.



Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .


"Lion will not cheat on wife, but Tiger Wood!"

[grimreaper]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months


yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



'I'm beginning to think you're a frigging jinx ....'

[grimreaper]

This is real life happening from newspaper clippings.
........................

[Shadow]

Grim those were bloody hilarious-brilliant

[grimreaper]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch'

[Shadow]

A few Geordie jokes

geordie , mackem and a yorkshire man walkin doon the beach. the yorkshireman finds a rusty old lantern and gives it a rub.POOOOF. And a genie pops out and says. " Wow thanks lads , I have been stuck in there for years. Tell ye what am supposed to give 3 wishes but seein as theirs 3 of yous I will give ye one each"
The yorkshire lad says "Well I am a farmer so i want my land to be fertile and my crops never to fail".
"IT IS DONE" Bellowed the genie.
The mackem says "Well I am sick of foreigners comin in to sunderland so I want a fifty foot high wall built round it so no one can get in"
"IT IS DONE " Bellowed the genie "and what about you geordie?"
he says "Fill the c**t with water"



A Geordie goes into his local Doctors and says "Doc, everytime I fart it smells of coconuts!" The doctor replies "Whey man, it's bounty"


Geordie goes to the optician
Optician says "can you see the board"
Geordie says "board? I cant even see the cage"

And a couple of boro ones

The Sultan of Brunei wanted to give his three favourite sons a Christmas present, so he asked each one what he wanted.

The first said he wanted a motor car, so he gave him Rolls Royce Motors.

The second said he'd like a plane, so he gave him British Aerospace.

The third, and youngest, said he'd like a Mickey Mouse outfit, so he gave him Middlesbrough FC.


The other day, a Geordie, a Mackem, and a Smoggy wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the Geordie and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it a few years back." The Geordie answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him
through the gate. St. Peter turned to the Mackem and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need a Wearsider, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the Mackem had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the Smoggy. "Name them."

[grimreaper]

Oi yer bugger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved them keep them coming. ;D