Jokes

[Roma]

Nice one CW

[Shadow]

Man sees a guy walking near Gateshead Stadium this morning with what looks like a long stick in his hands.

Say,are you a polevaulter he asks?

No says the bloke,I'm German.But how did you know my name was walter?


Lol-I'll get me coat

[Roma]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent.'

;D ;D

[Deleted]

Love Poems..................

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and gambling. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

CWL

[LeazesEnder47]

Mar 31, 2011 19:48:06 GMT 1 Shadow said:

Man sees a guy walking near Gateshead Stadium this morning with what looks like a long stick in his hands.

Say,are you a polevaulter he asks?

No says the bloke,I'm German.But how did you know my name was walter?


Lol-I'll get me coat

Shads that one was sooo bad.......ye can take mine as well ;D ;D ;D

[Shadow]

Apr 1, 2011 22:36:22 GMT 1 LeazesEnder47 said:

Mar 31, 2011 19:48:06 GMT 1 Shadow said:

Man sees a guy walking near Gateshead Stadium this morning with what looks like a long stick in his hands.

Say,are you a polevaulter he asks?

No says the bloke,I'm German.But how did you know my name was walter?


Lol-I'll get me coat

Shads that one was sooo bad.......ye can take mine as well ;D ;D ;D

My dad told me it and that kinda says it all

[Jazz]

Apr 1, 2011 23:07:20 GMT 1 Shadow said:

Apr 1, 2011 22:36:22 GMT 1 LeazesEnder47 said:

Shads that one was sooo bad.......ye can take mine as well ;D ;D ;D

My dad told me it and that kinda says it all

Seems like I'd like your Dad, its my kind of joke that...love it! ;D

[Shadow]

Few more funny letters

Funny Letters To A Pensions And Insurance Office
This time we have extracts from genuine funny letters sent to a Pensions and Insurance Office:

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

[Deleted]

Man go into a gym and said "I want to learn to do the splits"
The receptionist asked him "How flexible are you?"
He said "Quite flaxible but I can't do Tuesdays"

Start the car I'll get my coat.

[Deleted]

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local pub. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. However undeterred he continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, he took off again, after dinner. As previously about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let him in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"

At that, the husband replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well, I'll be getting in trouble with the wife when I get home anyway!"

CWL

[grimreaper]

A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart
bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak
voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank.. He replied.
"No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with
the cost?" He said, "I only have a spinster(single) sister, who is a nun." The nun became
agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Roma]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's

And shyly walked up to

The woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?



"

Asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"


"Look around,"

Said the saleslady,

As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

And material imaginable.

!

"Actually,

Even with all of this variety,

There are really only

Four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

About the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

The Salvation Army,

The Presbyterian,

And the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled,

The man asked about

The differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. .


The Catholic type

Supports the masses;


The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."





Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

To define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

But couldn't figure out

What the letters stood for,

It is about time

You became informed!




(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen

And I can't get up!...




They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[Nattfare]

;D

[Deleted]

Guess some of these had to turn up eventually..................Oldies but goodies.

Tech Support: "Sir, Click Start, then Run, and type the letters C, M, and D."
Customer: "Wait a minute, don't run off the end of the earth away from me now. I can only go so fast with this thing."
Tech Support: "Sorry, sir. Did you click Start?"
Customer: "Where is that start button? Oh, here is is. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Um, did you click it?"
Customer: "Dammit, no, do that now?"
Tech Support: "Yes, then click on the word Run."
Customer: "Dammit, slow down!!! Run, run, run, where the hell is run?"
Tech Support: "Should be a the very bottom of the Start Menu that came up on the screen."
Customer: "I already clicked Start. Click it again?"
Tech Support: "No, it should be there in the lower left corner."
Customer: "Hey, I found the word Run. You want that instead?"
Tech Support: "Sure, why not? We'll see if that works. Did you click it?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Ok, type the letters C, M, and then D."
Customer: "Slow down, dammit!! I'm not a programmer!!! I told you I'm only a car dealer!!"
Tech Support: "Sorry, again, sir, what do you have there?"
Customer: "Z."
Tech Support: "No, we need 'C' like 'Charlie.'"
Customer: "C-H-A-R--"
Tech Support: "Not the whole word 'Charlie,' sir, just the 'C,' please."
Customer: "If you don't want a Charlie, why tell me to type it?"
Tech Support: "Um, what's in the box now?"
Customer: "I'm trying to find the eraser here."
Tech Support: "Just hit the backspace key."
Customer: "That just moves it further to the right without typing anything."
Tech Support: "Which backspace key did you press?"
Customer: "The long one in the middle. I pressed it on the back side."

Eventually, we "found" the correct backspace key and got that Z replaced with a C.

Tech Support: "Now that we just have a 'C' there, type an 'M,' like 'Mary,' but just the 'M,' ok?"
Customer: "M-O-K."
Tech Support: "Remember that backspace key?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Press it twice."
Customer: "All right, but it took off the 'O' and 'K' you wanted."
Tech Support: "Never mind that, I'll live. Now type a 'D,' just the letter D."
Customer: "D. Now what?"
Tech Support: "Now press the enter key."
Customer: "E-N-T-E-R."
Tech Support: "Is there anyone else around the lot that is maybe a little more familiar with computers than you are?"
Customer: "Well, my wife uses one at her work and might be a little more familiar. She comes in in an hour. You want to talk to her?"
Tech Support: "Yes, please."

Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
Tech Support: "Anything else?"
Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
Tech Support: "Disks?"
Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just bought your package. What do I do with them?"

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
Customer: "What's a drive?"
Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
Customer: "Which machine?"
Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
Customer: "Ok. Done."
Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"

Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
Customer: "Oh. Ok."
Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"
Customer: "The mouse?"

One time I got really frustrated with a caller who had claimed that "the Internet had changed the color to black." Eventually I worked out that her computer had switched off.

Me: "For the last time, could you please turn the computer on?"
Her: "But I don't have the file!"
Me: "What file!?"
Her: "You know, the file."
Me: "Could you please press the button with the circle and the line on it, please?"
Her: "Don't you talk like that! I still need to download the file! I know what to do. I have friends who are computer experts!"
Me: "Just press the button even if the file still hasn't 'downloaded' yet."
Her: "Ok. Well, nothing's happ-- oh, it's got some gibberish written over it now. It's blue, and there is one thingie that says my name! Wow! My husband taught the computer my name!"
Me: "Yes, that's what happens when you turn it on. Ok, I'm happy the problem's fixed. Bye!"
Her: "But--"

Click.

Customer: "Right! I demand satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "I see. Well, I'm here to try and help you. What kind of problem are you having?"
Customer: "It's not my problem! The 'commuter' I bought six weeks ago just won't work! I can't do a damned thing with it!"
Tech Support: "I see. Do you mean it won't even switch on, or is it something else?"
Customer: "Don't try to sandbag me! I know my rights!"
Tech Support: "Sir, could you explain the problem you are having so I can better help you with it?"
Customer: "I've called them all, AOL, Nildram, Tiscali, and none of them are any good."
Tech Support: "Ok, so are you saying that you're having problems getting on-line?"
Customer: "Look, it doesn't work! I want satisfaction!"
Tech Support: "Ok, well I need to ask you some questions to help you with the problem."
Customer: "Fine, but I doubt you're going to fix it."
Tech Support: "Is your modem installed and plugged into the phone line?"
Customer: "How would I know if it's plugged in?"
Tech Support: (describes how the back of the machine looks and where the modem is)
Customer: "Yes, that's just how mine looks, and it doesn't work, so just accept that it's broken!"
Tech Support: "Which cable did you connect the modem to the phone line with, sir?"
Customer: "I have to wire the stupid thing in?"

I used to work for the computer helpdesk for a police force in northwest England, and it was there that I became infected with "Typistophobia," as a result of a typist from a particular police station who suffered from a lack of any of the social graces. She would regularly ring us with real or imagined problems, all of which were, of course, the computer's fault.

My first experience with this lady was as follows:

Customer: "Me machine's broke."
Me: "Ok, what wrong with it?"
Customer: "I've just tole yer -- IT'S BROKE!"
Me: "Ok, so what's it doing wrong?"
Customer: "Nothing."

...

Me: "Is there anything on the screen?"
Customer: "Yeh, garbage."
Me: "What sort of garbage?"
Customer: "I've tole yer -- garbage."

...

Me: "Can you read out the garbage to me?"
Customer: "P-L-E-A-S-E P-R-E-S-S E-N-T-E ...... !" (click)

Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:

Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."
Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"
Customer: "Orange."
Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."
Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"
Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"
Customer: "Purple."
Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."
Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

CWL

[Nattfare]

Someone deserves a medal.