Jokes

[Roma]

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)


Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants


The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE


HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation


TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion


DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)


DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.


REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups


LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum



DAY TWO


EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play


HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation


REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did


IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation


LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing


HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques


REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class


GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME





Individual counsellors available

[Roma]

My prayer for 2011

Dear God:
My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year
AMEN!!!

[Deleted]

I've just passed a woman who was sat on a bench with a dog, and the dog was licking it's own b0ll0cks.
"I'd love to do that" I said
She said "Give him biscuit he might let you"

[Deleted]

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.

In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to the teller that was beside the one he just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.

The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

CWL

[Fairscup]

[Deleted]

I'll have one from the top and the rest from anywhere.

[Roma]

Well I don't know??


A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


LET'S PUT THE CORNFLAKES BACK IN THE BOX.

[Shadow]

Computer's Gender

Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 14:19:33 -0400

Two groups, one composed of women and the second of men, were once set up to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender - like ships which are addressed as 'she ' and 'he'- or the masculine gender. They were asked four reasons for their recommendations.

The men reported that computers be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal login.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women, on the other hand concluded that the computers be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

[Roma]

Nice one Shadow.

[Shadow]

Bit un-PC but I liked it

cultural differences

Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 17:53:25 -0500

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere ...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...

[Roma]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too. '

[Deleted]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want 1 Billion Pounds in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

CWL

[Fairscup]

Mar 24, 2011 0:40:22 GMT 1 Roma said:

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too. '

BRILLIANT

[Roma]

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.


"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow." ;D

[Deleted]

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man smiled and said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made.

"By cheque," the gentleman said. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. Then we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

The jeweller declared this a fine idea, and the couple left arm in arm.

However on Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had!?"

CWL